Such is Life

Isn't it so ironic that the people that we love so much, such as our parents end up hurting us the most. Sometimes, I have no idea as to the kind of things my mother says or is capable of saying when she is in a bitter and angry mood. It is horrific and my mind just boggles and when she says these things to me. I just freak out with extreme anger and frustration. I just lose my cool, as they say. I feel guilty after my outburst but than I end up blaming her for the many wrongs in my life. Mother is such a disaster as a person - a failed marriage and a list of other disastrous relationships has left her even more angry. Maybe, I should be more careful in my interactions with her. I do lose my patience with her unnecessarily but than she can be very frustrating.

You love your parents and you are at their mercy since they are the ones who bring you into this world and their upbringing has a major impact on the kind of a person you end up to be. Being a parents is not an easy job at all, and you can never question a parent's sincerity to his or her child. I think somethings are just too subtle and unclear. Like most things in life, most of the important stuff happens without us ever being conscious of it. Therefore, the most important denominator in all of this becomes: your habits! Your habits are sort of the basic blueprint for your daily living. Habits are determined by many things but one of the chief ingredient has to be your conditioning as a child. Most of us are not very self aware and we end up teaching our kids things that we maybe would not want to pass on. But such is life and the beauty or rather the tragedy of human relationships.

To be or not to be!

Me and R talk almost every other day, even if its for a few minutes over the phone. There is a bit of feigned shyness on my part and cajoling on his part to convince me of a meeting with him. I am caught up between my desire and reality. I know that what i am doing is risky and not easy. It is fraught with dangers but I have arrived at such a point in my life where i do not really care about consequences. I want the intimacy and I want the flesh on flesh sensation. I am eager and young and he shows me smoothly and at times a bit strongly how luscious and needy i am. The satisfaction is immense. There are hardly any words to describe that, if I try to explain I might end up getting slapped for adult writing. But please sure is pleasure. I am thrilled by the fact that R finds me so hot, keeping in mind that he has a very beautiful wife. I know it is selfish and wrong, especially to his young wife but the pleasures of the flesh are such.  Even if it is a sin, what a delicious sin it is! 

Anyways, I have still not made up my mind of meeting him on Friday. He wants at least a date. I will have to pick a restaurant and maybe tease him over and take things from over there. 

The Introvert

Back from Frontier. We stayed in Abbottabad, where the military run schools have been closed due to the fear of kidnappings by the Taliban. It was a nice 'trip.' Maybe i will write more about it later. 

For whatever it is worth, I have only realized now how much of an introvert i am. I think it is probably more than that. Curious at my unease in social occasions and amongst group of people, I did a quick google search about these kinds of symptoms. Interestingly, it turns out that i am inflicted with a mild form Social anxiety. I was rather relieved to learn that it is pretty normal to have such a disorder and that there are number of people who suffer from the same thing. I think this is the reason which sort of drives me underground, so to speak. Underground from the normalcy of life. I hate those regular meetings at the social club, where all the women gossip like they have nothing better to do. But than maybe i also resent them for their ability to adjust. I can fake comfort in their world, but i feel like an outcast from the esteem. I live in my own little world and it suits me better.

I am seeing him again. We just met for a cup of tea and it was nice chatting with him. He said that he 'wants me,' which is a signal for a more intimate meeting. I want it to but for now i am hesitant and will resist his urges the temptations and the desire take over.  

The Final Push

I have been away for sometime and was not able to update my blog for sometime. My apoligies for the absence and the many emails that i have received from everyone. I am in NWFP, will not name the town for now and i can tell you that th situation especially in the tribal agencies is war like. I can hear the Cobra helicopters circling above me as i write this.

Just wanted to let everyone know, that the Pak Army assault on S.Wazirstan commenced about 8 minutes back. I have a relative serving there so i hope that everything goes smoothly and our troops are protected from these killers and barbarians. These are very tough times for our nation compounded by some very inept leadership and multitude of enemies. Once can only hope and pray that Pakistan and Pakistanis show the historic resilience that they have always shown in their chaotic history. Even for a liberal like me, one thing is clear: US must get out of Afghanistan ASAP, otherwise their sheer presence will only continue to destabilize Pakistan. 

Will continue to write and update.