Status Quo

Things have been much better at home. They always are when the status quo is maintained and the position of the other party is not affected. Marriage is very much like a war. Like they say - Marriage is the only instance where you get to sleep with the enemy. I don't feel ranting more about this. This is perhaps the most 'public' I have ever been about my private life. The comments and some of the emails were very strong. I do not resent any sharp messages or comments. I know they were meant in good faith. I would only say that the situation in which i find myself is not an easy one and criticism to many comes very easily. Also, thanks to complete strangers who sent me such supportive messages - you guys are no more strangers to me.

Maybe now i will write about something else. I don't know, let's see...

The Aftermath

The weekend was quiet. I was tired, correction - I am tired! I did not countered him after his disclosure to me. As expected his mood gradually turned from being hostile on Wednesday to being mildly cold today. He knows that he has told me the ultimate and there is nothing that i can do about it. He did try to talk to me and i could see that he was trying to mend things, but i have been reserve with him. Still have some dignity left in me, if not strength. 

Let the days go by and things cool. I don't think that he will be marrying her, whoever she is. I am pretty sure of this now. I guess i don't care if he keeps on sleeping with her. I must switch my priorities. I have always been practical if not wise. Whatever may come but having another woman in this house will be my complete defeat and that i must avoid that at all costs. The emotional upheaval was strong but i must get over it and gather my strength and be strong.

Surviving

The storm when it comes is strong and fierce but nothing in this world is more powerful than the human will power. History is witness to the fact that humans are by default the most adaptable creatures - they have survived where others have fallen by the side. Today, we carry the same genes or survival.

I write this to motivate myself, to give things a perspective and to stay in this battle. I guess after the initial shock wears off i would work on my strategy. He has mellowed down from his threats since his disclosure. He knows that his family will give him hell if he goes for the second marriage. I don't intend to seek divorce if he doesn't marry that woman but for now i am just being very defiant. I don't want to drag myself into court rooms. He can be a very mean person and with his powerful resources can make things very difficult for me. I know that he will not want the divorce as it will hurt his ambitions in society. I am hurt and i want to give it back to him, but i cannot at least not now. I feel helpless and that makes me feel incomplete.

The Last Straw

The last few days have been pretty tough for me. It is one thing to know that your unfaithful husband is having an affair, quite another to find out that once he is confronted about it he gladly acknowledges and even goes to the extent of saying that he is most probably looking to marry that slut. This deep seated fear was in the back of mind. I was expecting it - like you tend to expect the worst in life and especially the worst from people but the emotional fall out has been very severe on me. I am not so weak enough to go into a nervous break down, but still i am jilted and shaken.

I felt like sharing this with everyone on the blog instead of just emailing some friends about it. I want it to be part of my history!

Pakistan comes first!

I wanted to share this excellent article that i came across on the Pak tea house. It goes to the root of the problem that we are facing today. Let's face it. We Pakistanis are insecure when it comes to the knowledge about our religion. We are not like Iranians who have for better or for worse a much better understanding of their religion. This is one reason where gangsters parading themselves as religious zealots, read Taliban and their ilk seem to get away with anything just because they use the name of religion. At the end of the day, we desperately need to find our nationalism and define it not by using the cloak of religion but by being confident about our nationality and what it means to be a Pakistani.

Summer

The summer is here. Its hot and the load shedding is raging on us with full flow. I can go on about how pathetic the governments have been over the years and how the power sector has been neglected but somethings are not just worth even talking about. Good Governance my foot, we can't even have basic necessities of life. 

Work is so and so. I have not received a raise and it will be a year on June 1st. Money is an issue and it makes u feel good even though i may not need the money in financial sense as much as to prove my worth to the work place. I was never the type to enjoy the pleasures of work. The problem with me is that i get bored very easily and i need to be active and mentally involved most of the time. Life at times seem to be a struggle for me, still i am thankful to the almighty for all his blessings. It could always be worse!

  

My focus is to learn the skills and than move on to something better. I work not out of necessity but to prove to myself and others around me that i am not dependent on anybody even if its a token gesture i am sure that it makes the point in the relevant quarters!

Things are better with Husband as well as long as i follow his dictates, he is fine with it. Men are by nature dominating and the kind we have in our country love to treat their wives as their personal properties. It is frustrating but i have learned to get my revenge in other ways. I do get my revenge in other ways by flirting with other men who seem to like my looks more than anything. It is a thrill ride and i enjoy every bit of it. Is it a fair way to pay back? I don't know and i don't care.

Venturing out

This is an update for you guys. My husband who had inherited some property from his father including several acres of   a farm in Southern Punjab, near Bhalwalpur has decided to spend more time over there. I visited the farm this week with him. Despite the heat the place is a world to its own with with its rows and rows of orchard fields. The house is large but needs renovation and husband dear has started the renovation process. The best thing about a place such as this is the quietness and serenity of the place. we would  be coming here often and i would look forward to it.

The family is greatly respected there, the poor peasants who work here depend on the landlords for everything. Despite everything, my husband is kind with the peasants but it is still sad to see such dominance of one person over another. We really need the land reforms. Z A Bhutto had an excellent chance in the 70s to fulfill his pledge but sadly that was another case of miss opportunity but than we were wrong to expect such from a feudal.

Now i am back in the city with the country at war. A war that now really needs to be won.