Vacation Time!!

It's finally time for yours truly to get a vacation. I would try my best to post during this break but it might not be too often. I would be back in the first week of February and than the normal service would resume. My thanks to everyone who visits this blog. I will see you guys in the cyber space shortly!

Fears

Its late at night and demons come to haunt me. I feel vulnerable as i miss him. I wish he would call but he is probably busy with the whole 'shadi' thing and not missing me as much as i am missing him. The latter is probably where my fears stem from, especially after i read his chat logs which have hurt me so bad.
i feel disturbed. Yet as usual i cannot be articulate in my thoughts. I cannot describe them, mainly because i fail to identify them.

I feel my fears grow since my chat with him. He is bounded by his wife - he genuinely fears her for one reason or the other. Why can't he be like my husband, i ask myself?
I feel scared and fearful about us. This is compounded by the fact that i will be leaving for vacation. During that time, i will feel the misery and loneliness, compounded by the fears of him abandoning me. This is scary and tough and i am entering a new territory of mental and psychological trouble.

Random Thoughts

It is a shame. They do not see me in the colors of my loneliness. The way i drop down the masks of practical business proclivity, when i am alone, i strip down to plain screwed up philosophies of life. The way they see the basic me of smiles and goody good behavior and miss out on the deep depth of my thoughts and dreams. The way they laugh at what i say but skip the real meaning of my words. Laugh they still do because i bid them to.

How i long for intelligent attraction but suffice for the mundane emotions regarding current political affairs. It is indeed a pity as they cannot appreciate my naked vulnerable cries. How i had planned to change the world but cannot even fix my own life. Its a pity indeed! How i cross the line every time that i am alone and blush a glow of red at the thought of getting caught. How come all that the world see in me in is just my outlook? It is a shame. That they don’t see. That they don't even try. I don't think that they even have the courage to do so.

Confession

OK, I am going to make a confession over here. I am going to trust you guys with something that nobody knows about me in real life. Simply said, I have been having an affair. It began a few months back and things have been very strong between me and him. He is married like i am, but i am not going to take any guilt trips by writing about the whole thing here just at once. Since this is my first entry about this affair, i will take tentative steps. Fair enough?

We have hit a snag mainly because the physical distance between us has grown. I will call him R for the lack of a better term and he was the director at child's school. First time around i met him in his office in the school. He had such good ruggedly looks and strong frame that it immediately caught my attention. He looked at me with such undress me looks. It was not the first time that a man has looked me like that but i certainly felt the ferocity of his gaze. I felt relaxed in his presence and we ended talking about various things. He knows someone whom i also know through my political affiliations and our conversations just grew from there. By the end of the meeting we decided to stay in touch through phone to review my son's academic performance. It grew from there. I called him a couple of times and we talked.

He hosted a lunch for me later in the week to review my son's class performance. Yeah, i know the whole thing was a charade for us to get together. Despite the freedom i enjoy, i had to be careful about my lunch meeting since this city can be very dangerous especially when it comes to gossip. During the lunch, his eyes were all over me. I mean he was staring right on my breasts and the rest of me. It was very physical and the sexual tension between us was palpitating. I encouraged him tacitly by smiling or adjusting int he seat in a certain manner. I guess you can get the picture by now.

I think this should suffice as the first entry about this.

A lousy start

I have such a searing headache. I wake up and i just feel lazy and don't feel like doing anything. A state of despondency is misery indeed! I have less than a week to go before i go to visit my parents, and the preparation is so so. After that hubby dear has planned a vacation of sorts. I don't want to mention all the shitty stuff that will happen when i am with either my parents or with husband. It seems like somethings just never change and history is bound to repeat itself again and again.

Husband's attitude with my family has never been good. Somehow they have always bothered him. He is such a traditional person and just loves to be the 'typical' man. At the end of the day, what really frustrates me is that my family does not get the respect that they deserve from him and his family. I don't have a way to express that frustration and rage and that makes things even worse. My in-laws are weird people to say the least. I sometimes think that the whole idea of marriage is as an institution is bankrupt especially in a society such as ours where the woman is supposed to be all compromising.

As frustrated and discontented i am with the whole situation, I also know that somethings never change. i am trying to work on this. I am trying to make myself better off. I am working on being less anxious, more patient about things. I think the change has to come in me if i have to better my life. I believe that you live your life between your ears, more than anything else. How you see the world, and how you filter and respond to the events determine the success and happiness of your life. I need to be more steady in my emotions. I need to avoid being either too happy or too sad. It's a difficult balance to find but i need to find it. This was one of the new year resolutions and i tend to stick to it.

Whenever i write about personal matters, i try not to edit anything. I just post whatever comes in my mind. It is a reflection of my mind, uncensored. Therefore, i apologize if some of the stuff i write sounds incoherent.

New Year Resolutions

2009 is upon us and i guess each and everyone of us is looking forward to the new year. With the New Year comes New Year resolutions. i was never a stickler for them but this time around i feel like coming up with a few of them. I think i can put this new found zest for planning and determination to this blogging habit of mine. Writing has helped me clear my mind and organize my thoughts. On some level i have come to better understand myself. Needless to say that, blogging will be part of the New Year resolutions. So here are the resolutions:

• Need to improve emotional health. I need to be more steady; neither too sad nor too happy. How i go about it is going to be difficult but crucial for a better year. I will write more about this later.
• Improve fitness by walking daily. I am not fat, but i have put on. I need to maintain my good figure for obvious reasons.
• Keep on writing on this blog. It has been a positive contribution in my life.

So here are the three New Year resolutions. I wanted to keep them simple and achievable. I don't know how i will fare with them but you guys can always hold me up to my words at the end of the year. And i would love to hear back if any of you guys want to share your New Year resolutions.

Happy New Year!!!

Wishing everyone a Happy, Safe and Prosperous 2009!!