I have more misery to share. Somehow even after all these years of being married and away from the home i was born in, i keep going back there to seek some kind of an emotional refuge yet always seem to get punished for my naivety. I visited my parents for another regular visit. I don't know where to start, i am by nature a person who is escapist, who likes to escape from the cruel realities of life. Perhaps, this a product of my childhood scarred by quarreling parents who later on ended up hating each other. Yet despite all their hatred, never had the guts (especially my dad) to call it quits. So the torture continues all these years. I cannot escape it even if i want to. They say that one needs to be selfish and look to one's own life instead of fretting over the nasty habits of one's parents. You really don't have a choice in choosing them and the past always lives with you. Yet, in our society parents are the be all and the end all, rightly or wrongly. Even if they have scarred you for life. I think that makes weaker than noble.
To sum it all up mom and dad had a fight, 'larayi' while i was there. My dad can get abusive and my mom couldn't take the abuse and there was no stopping her. I learnt so many things/secrets about my dad from my mother while she shouted at my dad. Stories of a very devious past, i guess a past of a womanizing man. Someone who was not very honest. Someone who was corrupt. To say the least, the whole thing was just harrowing. I feel scarred and damaged after all these years all over again. I blame myself at times. I blame myself for not being able to shoulder and support my mother. I feel guilty and it is crushing and miserable.