Thursday, December 25, 2008

Misery

I have more misery to share. Somehow even after all these years of being married and away from the home i was born in, i keep going back there to seek some kind of an emotional refuge yet always seem to get punished for my naivety. I visited my parents for another regular visit. I don't know where to start, i am by nature a person who is escapist, who likes to escape from the cruel realities of life. Perhaps, this a product of my childhood scarred by quarreling parents who later on ended up hating each other. Yet despite all their hatred, never had the guts (especially my dad) to call it quits. So the torture continues all these years. I cannot escape it even if i want to. They say that one needs to be selfish and look to one's own life instead of fretting over the nasty habits of one's parents. You really don't have a choice in choosing them and the past always lives with you. Yet, in our society parents are the be all and the end all, rightly or wrongly. Even if they have scarred you for life. I think that makes weaker than noble.

To sum it all up mom and dad had a fight, 'larayi' while i was there. My dad can get abusive and my mom couldn't take the abuse and there was no stopping her. I learnt so many things/secrets about my dad from my mother while she shouted at my dad. Stories of a very devious past, i guess a past of a womanizing man. Someone who was not very honest. Someone who was corrupt. To say the least, the whole thing was just harrowing. I feel scarred and damaged after all these years all over again. I blame myself at times. I blame myself for not being able to shoulder and support my mother. I feel guilty and it is crushing and miserable.

11 comments:

NaVeed said...

there is something called tolerance which is very rare these days,,men are always like this but this thing is also taking birth in our SO CALLED modern women, being a Muslim its bad for both men and women specially in a society like ours

Da Eternal Rebel said...

scars from the past, the same everywhere....

Anonymous said...

1.Compare your father and husband. Pick the similarities/differences.
2.Traits you inherited from parents?

Mustafa said...

To live together in holy matrimony when not in love is the ultimate sin -- a sin that many of us commit.

The Luscious one! said...

Anonymous - This is a comparison i don't want to make or maybe right now i am not ready to make. But let me just say this: Men are extremely SELFISH creatures.

@D.E.R - These are not scars, these are wounds which hurt..

@Mustafa - I don't think i believe in love or not the romantic kind that you have in mind.

mustafa said...

Then I will pray, sincerely pray, that one day, such love should brush your heart.

Merchant of Emotions.. "I don't sell, I barter" said...

One "Men are like that ?" no that's not true.
"Women are like that?" that's not true either.
We all are selfish in different ways, as someone wrote in one of her novels that South East Asian women want future security so they get married.
Our society is male dominated so men are more powerful. Power brings corruption we all know that does not matter if its a man or a woman, if a women is given power she becomes corrupt too.
Now if a father is womanizer and a kids (specially when the kid is female child)finds that out,,ooo that hurts. Mothers should not disclose these things in front of the kids but since it has happen we cannot undo it.
I will suggest overlooking it, forgetting it, trying to erase this information from your memory, it will haunt you all your life and it is not a good thing.

The Luscious one! said...

@Mustafa - God bless you..

@Naveed - ??

@Merchant of emotions - Men in general tend to be more selfish. It is his nature. Obviously, this does not apply to all men but still holds true for most of them.

I do try to forget the bitter parts. I have made it a point not to ever involve my kids in this. They do not need to bear the scars that i have borne from my childhood.

NaVeed said...

most the people has it these days so you too "?"

Karmasura said...

Interesting.. when mom and dad fight.. the child can't take anyone's side.

I feel the same sometimes when they squabble over petty issues.

The Luscious one! said...

@kamasura - The children have to carry the wounds that their parents inflict on them.