Year in review - Personal and National

This has been quite a year. The bombshell was finding out about the affair that my husband was having. That news really shook up my universe and the readers of the blog got to read about it as well. I got so many comforting messages from all over the cyber space. It was than that i realized the true value of this blog. Virtual support that felt so real and whose impact on my real life was so strong. Thanks to everyone on that!

This year, I also started this new job which has been quite a pleasant change in my life. Also, I have been writing a bit of fiction as well. But as my nature goes, i tend to shift to more erotic and sensual topics. I don't know if this would be the place to share those stories. I will think more about that. Just thinking if my social circle ever finds out about this blog - they would be scandalized to say the least!

At the end of the last year i wrote that 2008 has been a year of stability. I had found a part time job at a NGO. I had also met R and there was fun and lust along with some danger. This year, things got really tricky but the moment the summer ended, things started getting better. I have been reading and taking evening walks, which has given me some discipline and sense of accomplishment in my life. My main issue has been to keep my restive nature in check - i always need one thing or the other to keep my mind going otherwise i start to feel bored and depressed.

As a nation, we had one of the worst years ever. More than 500 bombs rocked the state! Just imagine that happening in a western nation. The people have bled and have been torn to pieces by the menace of the suicide bombings. No place has been safe. Even the GHQ was attacked. Swat was lost and than retaken in a successful military operation with minimum of civilian casualties. But the resilience of the people through all this has been amazing. Pakistan may have its faults and flaws but the will and resilience of the people is not one of them.

Here is a prediction for 2010: Things will get worse before they get better and the longer the Americans stay in this region the more bloodshed Pakistan will experience. But a democratic Pakistan will emerge through this much stronger and confident of itself.

Karachi takes a hit

The suicide blast has hit Karachi. The latest latest blast to hit the city only shows the precarious situation. The lunatics of Al-Qaeeda are targeting the Shites to bring about a clash between the sects and ensue chaos. How long will this blood bath continue while the politicians and the establishment fight over petty issues? There should be accountability of the Army's current operation in South Wazirstan. Clearly, the terrorists are running away from there and moving on to other agencies which were not part of the operation. ANP has already signalled its displeasure with the modus operandi of the current operation.

I wonder how much worse will it get before it gets any better. I actually see things getting bad in 2010. The bottom line is this: Unless and until the establishment firmly decides to change its policy in Afghanistan and India and stop supporting the Jiahdi organizations , this will continue and get even worse because when you play with fire eventually you will get burnt!

The Angry Woman

Fozia Wahab is a character and i mean that in a positive way. She does come out as rough around the edges at times but women in politics in a Pakistani society need to have such firebrand qualities. At times, she has sounded very angry and bellicose on verious talkshows - the word "indiginifed" was used for her by PPP opponents. But i have met her on a couple of occassions and she is a woman with a pretty good intellect. I am only writing this becuase i met her a few weeks back at the dinner hosted by Salman Taseer, the flamboyant governor of Lahore. She is the kind of women we need to stop the fundo leaning PML(N) guys.

Although, the recent incident of Fozia Wahab' son sending life threating messages to the Journalist Ansar Abbasi is somethign which she would like to forget. Everyone knows that Ansar Abbasi is a 'lifafa' journalist. He is very much on the establishment payroll but having said that we should defend his right to free speech. Wish Fozia all the best in the future.

Zardari Under Fire

Judging from the media coverage of the NRO one would think that Zardari is the sole beneficiary of the evil deal. Nothing could be further from the truth but the media clearly loves to hate the man. Zardari didn't help himself either by making one bad decision after another.

When he got the Presidency, he clearly had the good will of the people, opposition and the media at large behind him but he has consistently lost that ground due to some very dubious decisions. His PR machine is pathetic to say the least but the man who is famous for buying off his enemies and friends alike is clearly struggling here. Today he is at loggerheads with Nawaz Sharrif, MQM and the Army. This decline has been brought about by arrogance, petty ego and sheer stupidity.

He made a mess of the judges restoration issue, his flip flops on promises to NS and N league are by now world famous. In all fairness, he very much deserves what is coming his way but the causality will not be Zardari who will quietly shoot off to foreign shores to live the life of comfort and luxury. The ultimate causality will be the system for which his wife paid the price with her life. The media has to hold back the horses and not gleefully look to Zardari's demise. This is a difficult transition that we are making after 9 years of military rule. It will not be easy. Zardari certainly has not made things easier but the times call for calmer heads.It will take the Pakistani nation time to calm down and adapt this new democratic system with all its inherent flaws because there is not other choice.

Update

I know i have been neglecting this blog so here is an update as we come closer to saying goodbye to 2009. I have started a nice job, which requires a lot of work. I know that i don't have to work (God knows howmany times i was reminded of this by hubby dear) but playing housewife was really boring me to death. And in these times when the country is going through so much, i wanted to get out and check out the real world through the eyes of an ordinary citizen and not through dinner parties thrown by political and social elites.

The job has been pretty good. It has given me a purpose and an order to my life. Husband is ok with it. Predictably, the in-laws were not overjoyed to learn of their daughter in-law's decision to step outside of the house but clearly times have changed even for a 'self-respected feudal family.'

Also, just to confess to people here. I have been pretty sober and i have not had any physical contact with R. He has tried contacting me during the last weeks but i keep postponing it. Maybe its guilt or maybe its fear but for now i remain committed to being 'shareef' - whatever that may mean. God knows how needy i get at times but i know that i have to be careful.

So, this was a basic run down on my life. Will try to be more regular in my posts from now on but as you know i have not been the one to keep my promises.

Such is Life

Isn't it so ironic that the people that we love so much, such as our parents end up hurting us the most. Sometimes, I have no idea as to the kind of things my mother says or is capable of saying when she is in a bitter and angry mood. It is horrific and my mind just boggles and when she says these things to me. I just freak out with extreme anger and frustration. I just lose my cool, as they say. I feel guilty after my outburst but than I end up blaming her for the many wrongs in my life. Mother is such a disaster as a person - a failed marriage and a list of other disastrous relationships has left her even more angry. Maybe, I should be more careful in my interactions with her. I do lose my patience with her unnecessarily but than she can be very frustrating.

You love your parents and you are at their mercy since they are the ones who bring you into this world and their upbringing has a major impact on the kind of a person you end up to be. Being a parents is not an easy job at all, and you can never question a parent's sincerity to his or her child. I think somethings are just too subtle and unclear. Like most things in life, most of the important stuff happens without us ever being conscious of it. Therefore, the most important denominator in all of this becomes: your habits! Your habits are sort of the basic blueprint for your daily living. Habits are determined by many things but one of the chief ingredient has to be your conditioning as a child. Most of us are not very self aware and we end up teaching our kids things that we maybe would not want to pass on. But such is life and the beauty or rather the tragedy of human relationships.

To be or not to be!

Me and R talk almost every other day, even if its for a few minutes over the phone. There is a bit of feigned shyness on my part and cajoling on his part to convince me of a meeting with him. I am caught up between my desire and reality. I know that what i am doing is risky and not easy. It is fraught with dangers but I have arrived at such a point in my life where i do not really care about consequences. I want the intimacy and I want the flesh on flesh sensation. I am eager and young and he shows me smoothly and at times a bit strongly how luscious and needy i am. The satisfaction is immense. There are hardly any words to describe that, if I try to explain I might end up getting slapped for adult writing. But please sure is pleasure. I am thrilled by the fact that R finds me so hot, keeping in mind that he has a very beautiful wife. I know it is selfish and wrong, especially to his young wife but the pleasures of the flesh are such.  Even if it is a sin, what a delicious sin it is! 

Anyways, I have still not made up my mind of meeting him on Friday. He wants at least a date. I will have to pick a restaurant and maybe tease him over and take things from over there. 

The Introvert

Back from Frontier. We stayed in Abbottabad, where the military run schools have been closed due to the fear of kidnappings by the Taliban. It was a nice 'trip.' Maybe i will write more about it later. 

For whatever it is worth, I have only realized now how much of an introvert i am. I think it is probably more than that. Curious at my unease in social occasions and amongst group of people, I did a quick google search about these kinds of symptoms. Interestingly, it turns out that i am inflicted with a mild form Social anxiety. I was rather relieved to learn that it is pretty normal to have such a disorder and that there are number of people who suffer from the same thing. I think this is the reason which sort of drives me underground, so to speak. Underground from the normalcy of life. I hate those regular meetings at the social club, where all the women gossip like they have nothing better to do. But than maybe i also resent them for their ability to adjust. I can fake comfort in their world, but i feel like an outcast from the esteem. I live in my own little world and it suits me better.

I am seeing him again. We just met for a cup of tea and it was nice chatting with him. He said that he 'wants me,' which is a signal for a more intimate meeting. I want it to but for now i am hesitant and will resist his urges the temptations and the desire take over.  

The Final Push

I have been away for sometime and was not able to update my blog for sometime. My apoligies for the absence and the many emails that i have received from everyone. I am in NWFP, will not name the town for now and i can tell you that th situation especially in the tribal agencies is war like. I can hear the Cobra helicopters circling above me as i write this.

Just wanted to let everyone know, that the Pak Army assault on S.Wazirstan commenced about 8 minutes back. I have a relative serving there so i hope that everything goes smoothly and our troops are protected from these killers and barbarians. These are very tough times for our nation compounded by some very inept leadership and multitude of enemies. Once can only hope and pray that Pakistan and Pakistanis show the historic resilience that they have always shown in their chaotic history. Even for a liberal like me, one thing is clear: US must get out of Afghanistan ASAP, otherwise their sheer presence will only continue to destabilize Pakistan. 

Will continue to write and update.

It is said that never to trust a person who prays in public and to this I may add - Never trust a person who wears religion on his sleeve or on his face. Post 9/11 and the resulting religious fervor and the Taliban onslaught has increased the bearded ones in the land of pure manifold. I wonder how much all of that hirsute make over by the male gender has affected the revenues of the manufacturers of the Shaving products.  But that is a separate issue but worth thinking about for those in the related industries. 

On a personal level, I recently came across a gentleman who was seemingly very cultured and educated. I tried not to stereotype him even with a full flowing beard. Yet, despite all his pious appearance he could not help himself being 'tempted' by me. I think the very act of me indulging in a cultured/political conversation with him somehow lead him to believe that I may be open to his flirtation. Men with religious, dogmatic political/social views of the Jamaati type tend to believe that women who are intelligent and can argue with a man by looking him in the eye are somehow whores or at best 'lose character.' What disgusted me was the sheer hypocrisy of it all. He was trying to conceal it with the garb of religion. I do not mind if men try to flirt with me but this coming from a man who believes that women should be limited to the confines of her house and should literally take the word of her husband as the very words of the Caliph himself just pissed me off. I gave it to him and he was simply stunned if not ashamed. 

Munawwar Hassan of JI declares Baitullah Mehsud a ‘Shaeed'

Few days back Jamat e Islami ameer Munawwar Hassan of JI declared Baitullah Mehsud a ‘Shaeed’ on a live TV show.The worst enemy of Pakistan, an infidel of humanity who killed hundreds of innocent Pakistanis, waged a war against the state of Pakistan and is most probably responsible for the assassination of its former Prime minister is a Shaheed for JI. The few liberal elements in the media such as yourself need to pick this up in the media and take on the hate preachers - JI. If this is not an act of treason than i don't know what is.

http://express.com.pk/epaper/PoPupwindow.aspx?newsID=1100693590&Issue=NP_KHI&Date=20090816

14th August

Things have changed since i last made a detailed entry on this blog. They have changed for the better both on a personal as well as on the national level. There will be upheavals, such is life but as long as major tragedies are avoided, once can claim to have lived a decent life.

So another 14th August is up on us. Despite everything, including the never ending load shedding routine and big and small political scandals - things have gotten better over the past year. The democracy experiment in Pakistan continues despite its many flaws but it is the only system that this country needs and the only one that can work in the long run.

To all those naysayers and the predictors of gloom one must point them to the successes of the Military in Swat and Malakand. Just three months back the Taliban were on the verge of entering Islamabad or at least had a substantial hold in the Frontier province. The success of the military has been remarkable. Just compare it to the efforts of much more technological advanced Armies in the neighbouring Afghanistan. Yet, we have hardly heard any words of praise or jubilation from our so called intelligentsia.

Today Pakistan has a feisty press which is a constant thorn in the side of corrupt politicians and imbecile government officials. The Judiciary is free and is playing an active role as a pillar of the state. Both these institutions have gained strength over the course of the year and they keep the executive and legislative branch on their toes. Clearly progress has been made. We just need to stick to our guns and let this system work. We have the capability, we just need belief in ourselves.

Azadi Mubarik

To everyone everywhere. Cherish it with all that you have. 

Status Quo

Things have been much better at home. They always are when the status quo is maintained and the position of the other party is not affected. Marriage is very much like a war. Like they say - Marriage is the only instance where you get to sleep with the enemy. I don't feel ranting more about this. This is perhaps the most 'public' I have ever been about my private life. The comments and some of the emails were very strong. I do not resent any sharp messages or comments. I know they were meant in good faith. I would only say that the situation in which i find myself is not an easy one and criticism to many comes very easily. Also, thanks to complete strangers who sent me such supportive messages - you guys are no more strangers to me.

Maybe now i will write about something else. I don't know, let's see...

The Aftermath

The weekend was quiet. I was tired, correction - I am tired! I did not countered him after his disclosure to me. As expected his mood gradually turned from being hostile on Wednesday to being mildly cold today. He knows that he has told me the ultimate and there is nothing that i can do about it. He did try to talk to me and i could see that he was trying to mend things, but i have been reserve with him. Still have some dignity left in me, if not strength. 

Let the days go by and things cool. I don't think that he will be marrying her, whoever she is. I am pretty sure of this now. I guess i don't care if he keeps on sleeping with her. I must switch my priorities. I have always been practical if not wise. Whatever may come but having another woman in this house will be my complete defeat and that i must avoid that at all costs. The emotional upheaval was strong but i must get over it and gather my strength and be strong.

Surviving

The storm when it comes is strong and fierce but nothing in this world is more powerful than the human will power. History is witness to the fact that humans are by default the most adaptable creatures - they have survived where others have fallen by the side. Today, we carry the same genes or survival.

I write this to motivate myself, to give things a perspective and to stay in this battle. I guess after the initial shock wears off i would work on my strategy. He has mellowed down from his threats since his disclosure. He knows that his family will give him hell if he goes for the second marriage. I don't intend to seek divorce if he doesn't marry that woman but for now i am just being very defiant. I don't want to drag myself into court rooms. He can be a very mean person and with his powerful resources can make things very difficult for me. I know that he will not want the divorce as it will hurt his ambitions in society. I am hurt and i want to give it back to him, but i cannot at least not now. I feel helpless and that makes me feel incomplete.

The Last Straw

The last few days have been pretty tough for me. It is one thing to know that your unfaithful husband is having an affair, quite another to find out that once he is confronted about it he gladly acknowledges and even goes to the extent of saying that he is most probably looking to marry that slut. This deep seated fear was in the back of mind. I was expecting it - like you tend to expect the worst in life and especially the worst from people but the emotional fall out has been very severe on me. I am not so weak enough to go into a nervous break down, but still i am jilted and shaken.

I felt like sharing this with everyone on the blog instead of just emailing some friends about it. I want it to be part of my history!

Pakistan comes first!

I wanted to share this excellent article that i came across on the Pak tea house. It goes to the root of the problem that we are facing today. Let's face it. We Pakistanis are insecure when it comes to the knowledge about our religion. We are not like Iranians who have for better or for worse a much better understanding of their religion. This is one reason where gangsters parading themselves as religious zealots, read Taliban and their ilk seem to get away with anything just because they use the name of religion. At the end of the day, we desperately need to find our nationalism and define it not by using the cloak of religion but by being confident about our nationality and what it means to be a Pakistani.

Summer

The summer is here. Its hot and the load shedding is raging on us with full flow. I can go on about how pathetic the governments have been over the years and how the power sector has been neglected but somethings are not just worth even talking about. Good Governance my foot, we can't even have basic necessities of life. 

Work is so and so. I have not received a raise and it will be a year on June 1st. Money is an issue and it makes u feel good even though i may not need the money in financial sense as much as to prove my worth to the work place. I was never the type to enjoy the pleasures of work. The problem with me is that i get bored very easily and i need to be active and mentally involved most of the time. Life at times seem to be a struggle for me, still i am thankful to the almighty for all his blessings. It could always be worse!

  

My focus is to learn the skills and than move on to something better. I work not out of necessity but to prove to myself and others around me that i am not dependent on anybody even if its a token gesture i am sure that it makes the point in the relevant quarters!

Things are better with Husband as well as long as i follow his dictates, he is fine with it. Men are by nature dominating and the kind we have in our country love to treat their wives as their personal properties. It is frustrating but i have learned to get my revenge in other ways. I do get my revenge in other ways by flirting with other men who seem to like my looks more than anything. It is a thrill ride and i enjoy every bit of it. Is it a fair way to pay back? I don't know and i don't care.

Venturing out

This is an update for you guys. My husband who had inherited some property from his father including several acres of   a farm in Southern Punjab, near Bhalwalpur has decided to spend more time over there. I visited the farm this week with him. Despite the heat the place is a world to its own with with its rows and rows of orchard fields. The house is large but needs renovation and husband dear has started the renovation process. The best thing about a place such as this is the quietness and serenity of the place. we would  be coming here often and i would look forward to it.

The family is greatly respected there, the poor peasants who work here depend on the landlords for everything. Despite everything, my husband is kind with the peasants but it is still sad to see such dominance of one person over another. We really need the land reforms. Z A Bhutto had an excellent chance in the 70s to fulfill his pledge but sadly that was another case of miss opportunity but than we were wrong to expect such from a feudal.

Now i am back in the city with the country at war. A war that now really needs to be won.

Calling out to Everyone

I am not good at making pleas so I will spell this one out short and simple.

The mass migration of 1.5 million (and counting) people from Swat, Dir and Bajaur in Pakistan due to the ongoing war between the 'militants' and Pakistan army marks a humanitarian crisis. You can donate a dollar to a few to give hope to those who suffer at the doorstep of an ideological war on terror that has consumed many a households and continues to haunt many of us. The war might not be at your doorstep but those suffering are humans just like you and me and deserve better than sitting out under the sun with little water and food, let alone medical aid or any semblence of accomodation.

Help!

You can donate through the following link.
http://www.unhcr.org/emergency/pakistan/global_landing.html

Thank you.

Zardari in USA - by Mustafa

Afghanistan, Pakistan and USA are inextricably linked as far as their national security is concerned vis-a-vis the threat and plague of terrorism. Karzai's and Zardaari's visit had only one objective. To help President Obama sell to the US Congress and US Citizens why the US Administration is committing so many soldiers as well as resources in that far away part of the world. The latest funding proposals by the Obama Administration, making their way through Congress allocate more $ to Pakistan than to either Iraq or Afghanistan. President Obama's explanation on why is instructive and interesting and I quote "The United States has a stake in the future of these two countries .... we have learned time and again that our security is shared ... we meet today as three sovereign nations joined in a common goal ..... to disrupt, dismantle and defeat Al Qaeda and its extremist allies in Pakistan (he pronounces our country's name nearly perfectly -- the first for any US President) and Afghanistan and to prevent their ability to operate in either of these countries in the future". A more articulate expression of US interests I have not read and I as a US Citizen of Pakistani origin applaud this objective.

One thing that this summit hopefully achieved is to bring Pakistan and Afghanistan together. Both these countries have for many months now blamed each other for the terrorism and insurgent problems that they both share. This summit comes as a critical juncture for Pakistan. I worry that Pakistan is close to falling apart. Swathes of my beloved country have fallen into the hands of the Talebaan. I worry that the dozens of nuclear weapons will fall into the wrong hands. We are running out of time and we need to deploy all available human and financial resources in fighting this cancer. Military and civilian aid from USA will come in most handy at this time and we should milk this cow for all that it is worth.

My concern remains the competence and far sightedness of our politicians and whether our "jiyaalaas" in the Army have the stomach for a long, protracted and vicious fight with the Talebaan. Based on past experiences, this is a potent recipe for failure and disaster. Zardari is a playboy whose corruption has earned him the nickname os Mr. 10 percent. The last time we had a playboy in power i.e. Yahya Khan, we lost half the country. His principal rival, Nawaz Sharif is more religious right wing than secular in his outlook and is stupid to boot. He could easily (as he has done in the past) miscalculate and believe that he could take his chances by sharing power with the Talebaan. He may therefore offer less than 100 % support to the current fight to eradicate them. And then finally, we have the army, infiltrated to the core (a Zia legacy) with Islamic fundamentalists. I would not be surprised if one of the corps commanders were to launch a coup and then invite the Talebaan in. We have a hurricane flowing in and our house might indeed be a pack of cards.

Back the boys!

According to the Army around 200 Taliban have been killed during the last 24 hours. This is certainly good news. We need to eliminate as many of them as possible. ISI can be used to sow chaos in the ranks of these Jihadis and criminals while the SSG can be used at it was used in the lower Dir operation to take out the leadership of the Taliban.

But for the ultimate success of this operation, the support of the major political parties is needed. I remember writing hopeful stuff about Nawaz Sharrif earlier on during the movement for the restoration of the judiciary. But i have been proven wrong. He remains a dour leader with right wing leanings. Journalists often remark that prior to giving out any kind of interview, Mian sahib puts in the condition that no questions be asked about the Taliban. Why is his party not supporting the army operating whole heartedly? Maybe because he is a closet Fundo - an apologist for the Taliban. Or maybe he still has the beef with the Army going back to the October coup of 1999? For him and his like this operation is out of necessity. They do not recognize people like Sufi Muhammad as extremists. At the most these are just misguided souls.

The liberal minority of Pakistan will have to get themselves organized. The only party which has been the most vocal about the rise of the Taliban has been MQM. MQM needs to shed its ethnic baggage and it may find that it has some support in the heart of Punjab.

For now we have to back our men in Khakki who are putting their lives at risk against an enemy not only of this state but also of it's official religion.

The War is on

The battle is on for the soul of Pakistan. Muslims of the subcontinent have been practicing their faith for centuries and now comes Taliban with their monstrously altered version of Islam. They must be stopped and they must be defeated Militarily. The operation against the Taliban has begun in Swat. It will be bloody and messy and the only solution is a complete and decisive victory which crushes these renegades and imposes the writ of the state in a manner that scares the hell out of any future adventurers. This can only come about when the Military feels that it has the effective backing of the entire nation and the political class. My own sources tell me that Army was reluctant to start the operation mainly because of the bitter lessons it learned from the Laal Masjid/Red mosque operation. The seminary was destroyed and the terrorists were killed but the blow back has haunted the army to the present day. Propaganda was drummed up by the religious/ right wing parties parties which accused the army of killing innocents. The suicide bombings after the operation went through the roof.

Taliban terrorists use religion to justify just about anything and they seem to have been getting away with it. This is an old story in Pakistan where first the clergy and than the establishment used and abused religion to gain political mileage. The Taliban represent the final and extreme product of using such a strategy. Taliban must be crushed and their clean shave sympathizers must be silenced with an effective media campaign.

It is time for the powerful media and the civil society to come out on the streets against such extremism and support the army full heartily. The army and the Frontier Corps need to feel the backing of the nation when they take on these fascists.

Memories

I walk outside to the office hallway and i see the grey skies filled with the promise of the summer rain. Somehow they evoke a feeling of nostalgia in me..A nostalgia of the years gone by.The summer heat, the school vacations, monsoon rains, the husky voice of Bryan Adams playing on my Walkman and the Cranberries. I guess the Pakistan of my childhood has changed. Memories are what we are all left with in the end.They make me happy even if it is for a while, I never had any real happiness in childhood. It's a not a note of self-pity but merely a fact. I think about life as a charge of happiness runs through me. But i am always afraid of being too happy - sensing a disappointment just a moment away. happiness that is stifled by others, choked by the limitations of a hypocritical society. This was just an emotional outburst.

Ahh... Recession

Update from Dubai

This is a blog update from Dubai, UAE. I have been visiting the Arab Emirates since the last week with my husband who is here for a business venture. Things have changed a lot since i was here last time around. The global financial crisis has brought the tax free haven to it's knees. Dubai has been hit really hard by the present financial crisis. The real state boom is dead with a bang - the remnants of which can be found at the airport car park. The parking lot is littered with luxury vehicles from the Mercedes to the Bentleys, which have been left behind by their defaulting owners. Most of the foreigners took off when they lost their jobs, fearing that they might not be able to pay the loans on their credit cards and mortgages. This run off was caused by the UAE laws which basically jail people for not paying off their debts. Still, i am sure that because of the investment that was made in the services sector, this tiny city state will bounce back. I am a believer in globalization, whose merits in my humble opinion overwhelm the ills.

Looks like plenty is going on at home. Will write more when i get back. Also, thanks to all of you who have been emailing me. It's pretty flattering to know that i have a pretty good following.

To friends

I feel anxious, worried, cornered, insecure and lonely. There are people around me - loved ones whose presence should not make me feel like this but i can't help it. I just can't. I just feel that writing these words on this blog and sharing my self to the eyes and minds of strangers would somehow soothe me and it does. So thanks to the audience here. It is not easy for a woman to bare her soul and talk about things and issues which are difficult to talk with even amongst the best of friends.

I fail to understand myself at times. My life is littered with the wrong choices. My emotional and sensitive nature only makes things difficult for me. The sensual and licentious part in me evokes much wilder emotions. The latter only adds to the sexual frustration and general dissatisfaction with life. The fire of lust rages in me and makes me want to step into the forbidden - a line which i have crossed by now yet want to indulge in more. Perhaps, giving in to the delicious temptation is my sin. I know that it is very important to be grateful for what one has but at the same time too much of it could kill the ambition whether in bed or otherwise.

Anyways, this entry is dedicated to all of my readers - strangers and friends.

Reflection of our mindset

I am sick and tired of the double standards of our society. The problem that Pakistan is facing today is a product of our own making. Way before the Americans entered Afghanistan post 9/11 we were in a state of mini civil war b/w the Shites and the Sunnis. We have such short memories, remember how the rage in the 90s was the mowing down of namazis through AK-47s as they prayed at various mosques? Stop blaming others for what ails our society.

Secondly, there is no need to take a massive operation in Swat and FATA. Simply, because different surveys have spelled out clearly that fanatics do not have the support of the local population. In fact the biggest disappointment for the people of Swat has been the lackluster attitude of the army towards the Taliban. It is time that our well fed army does some good. It is very well within it's capacity to take out these so-called miscreants. The truth is that we do not want to acknowledge these maniacs because they are a reflection of our society and our highly prejudiced mindsets.

Just a job?

My job is getting frustrating day by day. I didn't even need to work when i started but now it has become a part of me. It's sort of my identity, something different from my life other than a dumbed out housewife. I am still eager to please like i have been all my life in all my other relationships. I have been very competitive in my job and have worked very hard to establish myself here. I did recognize that i did not have a job experience prior to coming over here and with that in mind i put in extra effort so that after the probation time period my efforts would be recognized. I was promised initially a review meeting after the end of the first 3 months. It's been more than 5 now and the higher ups keep delaying it. All i seek is a better position, not even a high pay. They know that i am not working for money. I am just sick of it, but than maybe they have recognized the weakness that i have for this job.

I am especially mad at my VP, who is a egoistic bitch. She has nothing better to do in her life than to make sure that everyone else is feeling lousy. i did not want to write about work earlier on but now i feel the urge to express my frustration.

The fascist Taliban

The cruelty and barbarity of the Taliban has forced the state into submission. The deal with the Taliban in Swat remains in place uptill now - which has brought some respite for the citizens of that beleaguered area. but the Taliban is just buying time before they unleash and expand into other areas of Pakistan. This is very much the quiet before an impending storm of cruelty.

The media coverage has been topsy turvy regarding the Swat debacle especially in the western press. The following articles by Rahmillullah Yusufzai, Kamran Arif and Manzoor Ali which i found through the excellent Pakistan tea House blog - give much needed insight into the cause and effect of the Swat tragedy. Read and reflect!

Disarray

The Lahore attack aftermath shows all the signs of a government in total disarray. Two days have passed and yet scant little is known about the attack that took place. It just goes to show the dismal state of affairs. The officials have not stopped being casual about these attacks which are now occurring on a more routine basis. It almost seems like they are getting used to the whole idea.

We still do not know how many militants stormed the Manawan academy, how many were killed, whether they took police recruits hostage, or whether they wore police uniforms.

A local television channel reported a construction worker present near the academy just before the attack told the channel he saw five men wearing backpacks disembark from a white pickup truck in front of the academy's main gate and scale its walls "commando-style"There is confusion about how many attackers were involved, how many were killed and did anyone of them manage to escape. So, while four or five attackers came in from the front, did others scale the back wall and join up with their comrades in the central building area where the main drama unfolded?

Officials from the head of the interior ministry and the army spokesman to the provincial police chief failed to clear this up. They did not even agree on how many attackers had been killed. While interior ministry official Rehman Malik said that three attackers "blew themselves up", an army official at the scene told newsmen that "four attackers have been killed". This is lackluster and pathetic!

Did the fourth attacker also blow himself up, or was he shot? If this is the case than where is the body? The number of injured varies as well. All of this give credence to the conspiracy theories doing the rounds. One of the more popular theories out there is that this apparent nonchalance is largely due to the continued interest of some sections in its powerful defence establishment to keep the militants afloat. I am myself is starting to believe some of those theories.

Another attack!

Another attack in the heart of Lahore, this time on a Police academy. The aim of the attack was clearly to undermine the security apparatus of the country and thereby weaken the state. This is the second attack in Lahore after the commando style attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team bus in Liberty square. It could very well be the case that personnel involved in the police academy attack were the same people who were involved in the Liberty square operation since all of them had managed to escape after the raid.

I have no doubt that Pakistan is suffering the blow back for its Jihadi operations in India and Kashmir. It is very much the case of Chickens coming home to roost. Having said that, it is no coincidence that attacks of such magnitude and ferocity especially in Punjab have kicked up after the Mumbai attacks. I know from my own sources that Pakistani officials were expecting the Indians to vent out their anger and frustration after the Mumabi attacks. They are clearly using the Afghan base to give Pakistan some taste of its own medicine.

The silver lining is the security operation which managed to kill and capture these battle hardened terrorists. I hope that we get some real intelligence from the captured ones. Another positive thing to see was the attitude of the people - Lahorites are known for this - the way they cheer leaded especially when the army came into the scene was very heart warming. They shouted slogans vowing to kill the attackers and praising the security forces. The reaction was spontaneous and goes to show that it needs to be channeled in the right direction to identify the nemesis of the Pakistani state - the Islamist terrorists.

Nawaz Sharif - A Make over?

Nawaz Sharif is Pakistan's most popular leader today. The long march only confirmed this, yet he has restrained himself from launching an all out attack against the Zardari government. He has become somewhat of a better speaker after his years in exile and seems to be genuinely interested in making this system work. He was a protege of Zia Ul Haq, just as Zulifqar Ali Bhutto was Ayub Khan's. He worked extensively in the 90s to under mine the PPP governments, but his ouster and exile by the army when the was the PM made him realize the futility of doing deals with the generals.

Still I am not sure that Nawaz Sharif is all that changed a person. We thought the same way about Zardari as well and let's be frank if it was Nawaz Sharif in power, it very well may have been Zardari running the long march.The last time he was the prime minister with an overwhelming mandate - he did everything he could to become another dictator. In fact, he was planning to introduce the shariah and become the Amir ul Momenin when he was removed by General Musharraf in October 1999.

Still, he has managed to avoid politics of confrontation if judged from the standard of Pakistani politics. Its a good omen that he has decided to support the PPP government until it completes its term. The two party system has to work in order for democracy to deliver, and for this the leaders of the two parties have to become better versions of their past selves.

Finally - A victory!

We were part of the initial convoy of more than 200 cars that set out from Model town, Lahore..After the initial speech by NS, the crowd was just powered up and these were not the typical hooligan workers that one associated with PML (n) in the past. I saw ppl with families and regular folks as well..The police just backed away..I think this awareness amongst ppl has been created by the media. Of course, most of the credit goes to the lawyers for this...

We were en route to Gujranwala, ahead of the NS convoy when we got the word that after Kiayni's meeting with Z and Gillaini aka Forest Gump - something might be afoot..

I think its a sign of times a good one too when NS back tracked from the march once he was satisfied of the deal.He did not boast about his victory..I still have my doubts about him and his brother, but he has shown some wisdom and tolerance here..

We saw the final card being played by the desperate elements of pro-Zardari in PPP when they started palyign the Sindh card..MQM was eagerly waiting to jump on this bandwagon of ethnic conflict..I was there and i saw no one shouting against Sindh or Sindhis, but there were plenty of abuses hurled towards Zardari - something which i know for a fact is a daily routine in Larkana...It just goes to show that how much these so called leaders are willing to risk in order to cling on to power..

I just hope that we can move as a nation and mobilize the masses against the threat of Talibanisation the way we did in this lawyer movement..There are dangerous signs that these fascists are spreading their tentacles in the heartland of Punjab. More on that later...

In the end , it was a victory for Pakistan..We have had a lot to fret and worry about...After t he debacle in Swat this is one sweet victory and time is right for the nation of Pakistan to rebound!

The week

This week has been pretty eventful. My personal life has been evolving
with more flirtations. I am not losing any sleep over my morals and
anyway i think that there is nothing wrong in minor flirtations. Its
not like i am sleeping around with someone. If you can seen a man
appreciating your body from the way he looks at you, than i don't see
why i should not at least make an eye contact or smile at him. I know
its risky but it exciting. Such excitement is pure joy at times - just
imagine what lies in the second step.

Danger ahead

I have a feeling that things will be taking a really bad turn in the very near future. Pakistan's stability resides in Punjab and if and when Pakistan's most populated and richest province starts to get destabilized- the state of Pakistan will start unraveling. The destabilization process has already begun by the sacking of the Punjab government by the ever corrupt and inefficient Zardari and the terrorist attack in the heart of Lahore. I think there is a real danger that everything can come apart with the assassination of one of the Sharif brothers. Nawaz Sharif has already alerted the media regarding the threat to his life. The terrorists thrive in chaos and for them there seem to be no limit. If only the politicians had the vision and maturity to handle this, but i think none of them have learned anything from their past mistakes. This time around the stakes are very high and they could end up paying a very high price for their shortcomings.

Mad Dog

I am very distraught with the action taken by the corrupt Mr.10%. It is is very clear that he has learn nothing from history. Some people are doomed to repeat history even if it in the end dooms them as well. Ayaz Amir has written a succinct piece about Zardari. We are again taking a step back into the failed democratic politics of the 90s. This is something which neither this country can afford at this point in time nor President Zardari with an approval rating of 17%!!

Zardari has acted with the typical mindset of a feudal landlord showing no vision of any kind by dismissing the Sharrifs. I have no affections for the PML(N) but Zardari has clearly used and manipulated the Sharrifs in a despicable manner. This is not politics, its stooping to such low levels that its a new one even in Pakistan's political history.

Our party has been approached by the wheelers and dealers of Zardari. Like me most of the other workers and leaders are warning the Chaudhrys about Zardari. I can safely predict today Zardari will not only end up sacking Prime minister Gillani within the next year but that he himself will not be able to complete his 5 year term.

Upset

There has been an extra spring in my step since the vacation. I feel hopeful and motivated about myself and this is why i have been much more involved in my work since i came back.

On the flip side, I am still upset about the recent attitude of my in-laws. They have always seemed 'nice' but since lately there has been a tendency on the part of my father in-law especially to be a little interfering and dominating. Its like he wants to say that he is the boss. I have found it very resentful and maybe frustrating because i have not as yet come up with a way to counter it.

In my own analysis, my problem is that i tend to be very nice with people, maybe because of the insecurity i feel (nice people being nice because of their insecure emotional state?). Because of this goody good behavior i let others dominate me. The way to counter this is not to over react but act mature (define mature, anyone please?). There is a difference between thinking about and planning a course of action and putting it into practice. I am in a fix as to how to best respond to something like this.

him

Its been a while since i have seen him again. I have not seen him for more than a month. I have been with him a couple of times and the physical satisfaction is just so amazing, but the fear of the repercussions keeps me from the indulgence again.

My relationship with him is an escape from the reality of my life, but its a very dangerous escape. I have decided for now to work on improving my marriage while keeping the affair at distance, at least for a while.

Pakistan's concession to Talebaan

Authored by Mustafa

The permanent cease fire agreement with the Talebaan in Malakand Valley, is to me of utmost concern. These are Pakistani Talebaan. Over the last several years they have been itching to take control of parts of Pakistan and now they have. The Malakand or Swat valley is the richest most fertile part of the NWFP and I am very concerned that Peshawar will be next.

Conceding and appeasing the Talebaan is in my view very dangerous and short-sighted. Appeasement does not work. Islamabad has tried it before -- with disastrous results. This has only given these hordes time to rearm and come back. This development is a significant threat to Pakistan at many different levels.

The Talebaan's interpretation of Shariah Law is really fundamentalist Islam in the most agrarian way. It is violently against women. It not only shackles them in the all enveloping veil but it denies them education, to work, to go out against an escort. In Swat dozens of girl schools have been destroyed. I am very very concerned that this will mean terrible things for women out there. To five these vermin concessions in the heart of NWFP is very dangerous.

To their credit, earlier on, the Pakistani army did step up in its fight against the Talebaan but then it started to stall. What happened recently -- and a lot of our soldiers have been killed by the way in this fight -- is that the military stopped going hand to hand with the Talebaan. They stood back and started shelling the militant outposts from long distance. What this did was cause mayhem against the civilian population -- death, injuries and destruction of property. The civilains in that area have had enough. They now want security and peace by any means. So, they as well as many in Islamabad are now saying that OK if we get Shariah Law, it will at least get us peace.

Reality however is different. We have seen this movie before. This is just a lull before the next storm and sooner or later, if unchecked will topple the establishment in Islamabad and for decades erase the vision of a secular Pakistan that many of us including this author share and pine for.

Reality Check

Finally, the government has capitulated and accepted the reality by accepting the enforcement of Shariah in the Swat and Malakand division. It is a ominous sign of the growing power of the Taliban and their kind. But the past few years has shown that the solution to the problem is not through military means only. The Americans don't give a damn about us, their call is always 'to do more' and by pursuing this path we are on our way to becoming another Iraq.

We have to find our own way through this mess created by Zia and exacerbated by Musharraf. There is no doubt in my mind, that these militants are getting enough support and training not only from our premier nemesis but forces beyond that as well. I do not buy into conspiracy theories but the reality is that Pakistan's Nuclear weapons are a sore sight not only for our eastern neighbour but Israelis as well. It is time that we stand up and show some backbone both to the extremists as well as to the Americans. The priority should be to cleanup the mess at home and one of the ways to do it is to stop killing our own people on the behest of foreign powers.

Richard Holbrooke and his assignment

Ok, so i am back and have been feeling rather out of loop when it comes to kick starting the blog. Mustafa - the ever tenacious friend of mine decided to contribute something. So here it is:

Ambassador Holbrooke, the Special Representative for Pakistan and Afghanistan arrived day before yesterday in Pakistan. He has been assigned a task no less difficult than what confronted US Policy makers 40 years ago in Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia.

Disclaimer: I am a proud US National of Pakistani origin and it is with this perspective and motivation that I contribute this blog posting.

For Ambassador Holbrooke to succeed, a prerequisite will be that him and his boss, Secretary Clinton, with the full support of President Obama are able to closely coordinate with a fine and sharp focus the activities of a wide spectrum of agencies within the US Government – particularly with USAID within the State Department as well as with Defense, and the National Security Council -- if they are to achieve President Obama's strategic goals for the region.

Any informed and reasonable commentator and expert on the issues confronting USA in this region will accept and confirm that dealing with the situation in Afghanistan requires an integrated strategy that addresses the needs and aspirations of the Governments and people of both Afghanistan and Pakistan AS A WHOLE. This is something that the Bush Administration paid only lip service to. It would also best serve US interests if it drops its role of the last seven years as a "lone ranger" and engages NATO, Russia and China in developing a durable solution.

Afghanistan and Pakistan are two very distinct countries with different languages and different cultures. As someone who has a South Asian father and an Iranian mother – I am well qualified to comment on that. People tend to focus on the Pakhtoon ethnic overlap in both countries BUT there are more Dari speaking people in Afghanistan (with a different mindset and outlook on life) and more Urdu speaking people in Pakistan. Most of the visitors to this blog site are from Pakistan so you will appreciate when as I quote as an example the different outlook on life that a Mohajir or a Sindhi or a Punjabi has as compared to someone from the Tribal Areas. Both countries have extraordinarily different histories AND YET are intertwined by geography and religion and a common hatred for the colonial / imperial ambitions that the West has through the centuries exhibited for this part of the world.

To broker a fair and lasting solution that meets the needs of all key stakeholders is a VERY DIFFICULT ASSIGNMENT. Nobody can say that the war in Afghanistan has gone well for the Americans. US and allied soldiers occupy a country where they are becoming increasingly unpopular and are entrenched in a fight with a ruthless and elusive enemy – Vietnam all over again with perhaps the same negative outcome for America except that the killing fields this time will not be in Cambodia but in Pakistan. Just as Pol Pot savagely decimated Cambodia's population, so might the Talebaan and their fundo allies decimate and slaughter Pakistan intelligentsia and the secular educated middle class in Pakistan.

I have no love or admiration for the Talebaan. To me they represent a bigger threat to Pakistan and the ideals espoused by my beloved Quaid-e-Azam than anything that USA might have inflicted upon us, by supporting a succession of unpopular and destructive military regimes or India might have tried to inflict upon us through its territorial ambitions. This is a cancer that is growing from within and unless strong medicine is prescribed and radical surgery undertaken, will kill us as a nation. The Talebaan are without any scruples at all and have done some of the most odious things in the name of Islam.

I would submit that today Pakistan's and USA's long term objectives coincide – to eradicate the menace that is the Talebaan. We stand to lose more from these vile creatures and their despicable philosophy than USA. Both USA and Pakistan will need to work closely with an open mind and due respect for each other if we are to avoid the looming tragedy i.e. the implosion and collapse of Pakistan.

The situation is infinitely complex. I however think that a good start has been made by placing Afghanistan and Pakistan under one envoy. What is needed is a regional approach and a comprehensive policy and the Obama administration is far more likely to adopt this approach than the Bush Administration was in the last seven years.

I am back!

I am back from the vacation. The trip was ok, with the kind of life phase i am going through perhaps it was a blessing that things were smooth between me and hubby. Grandeur dreams of a romantic outing was asking for too much. I have learnt to keep expecations really low.

So, i am back to my life and the daily grind of it. I have to figure out a way to kick start the writing again.

Vacation Time!!

It's finally time for yours truly to get a vacation. I would try my best to post during this break but it might not be too often. I would be back in the first week of February and than the normal service would resume. My thanks to everyone who visits this blog. I will see you guys in the cyber space shortly!

Fears

Its late at night and demons come to haunt me. I feel vulnerable as i miss him. I wish he would call but he is probably busy with the whole 'shadi' thing and not missing me as much as i am missing him. The latter is probably where my fears stem from, especially after i read his chat logs which have hurt me so bad.
i feel disturbed. Yet as usual i cannot be articulate in my thoughts. I cannot describe them, mainly because i fail to identify them.

I feel my fears grow since my chat with him. He is bounded by his wife - he genuinely fears her for one reason or the other. Why can't he be like my husband, i ask myself?
I feel scared and fearful about us. This is compounded by the fact that i will be leaving for vacation. During that time, i will feel the misery and loneliness, compounded by the fears of him abandoning me. This is scary and tough and i am entering a new territory of mental and psychological trouble.

Random Thoughts

It is a shame. They do not see me in the colors of my loneliness. The way i drop down the masks of practical business proclivity, when i am alone, i strip down to plain screwed up philosophies of life. The way they see the basic me of smiles and goody good behavior and miss out on the deep depth of my thoughts and dreams. The way they laugh at what i say but skip the real meaning of my words. Laugh they still do because i bid them to.

How i long for intelligent attraction but suffice for the mundane emotions regarding current political affairs. It is indeed a pity as they cannot appreciate my naked vulnerable cries. How i had planned to change the world but cannot even fix my own life. Its a pity indeed! How i cross the line every time that i am alone and blush a glow of red at the thought of getting caught. How come all that the world see in me in is just my outlook? It is a shame. That they don’t see. That they don't even try. I don't think that they even have the courage to do so.

Confession

OK, I am going to make a confession over here. I am going to trust you guys with something that nobody knows about me in real life. Simply said, I have been having an affair. It began a few months back and things have been very strong between me and him. He is married like i am, but i am not going to take any guilt trips by writing about the whole thing here just at once. Since this is my first entry about this affair, i will take tentative steps. Fair enough?

We have hit a snag mainly because the physical distance between us has grown. I will call him R for the lack of a better term and he was the director at child's school. First time around i met him in his office in the school. He had such good ruggedly looks and strong frame that it immediately caught my attention. He looked at me with such undress me looks. It was not the first time that a man has looked me like that but i certainly felt the ferocity of his gaze. I felt relaxed in his presence and we ended talking about various things. He knows someone whom i also know through my political affiliations and our conversations just grew from there. By the end of the meeting we decided to stay in touch through phone to review my son's academic performance. It grew from there. I called him a couple of times and we talked.

He hosted a lunch for me later in the week to review my son's class performance. Yeah, i know the whole thing was a charade for us to get together. Despite the freedom i enjoy, i had to be careful about my lunch meeting since this city can be very dangerous especially when it comes to gossip. During the lunch, his eyes were all over me. I mean he was staring right on my breasts and the rest of me. It was very physical and the sexual tension between us was palpitating. I encouraged him tacitly by smiling or adjusting int he seat in a certain manner. I guess you can get the picture by now.

I think this should suffice as the first entry about this.

A lousy start

I have such a searing headache. I wake up and i just feel lazy and don't feel like doing anything. A state of despondency is misery indeed! I have less than a week to go before i go to visit my parents, and the preparation is so so. After that hubby dear has planned a vacation of sorts. I don't want to mention all the shitty stuff that will happen when i am with either my parents or with husband. It seems like somethings just never change and history is bound to repeat itself again and again.

Husband's attitude with my family has never been good. Somehow they have always bothered him. He is such a traditional person and just loves to be the 'typical' man. At the end of the day, what really frustrates me is that my family does not get the respect that they deserve from him and his family. I don't have a way to express that frustration and rage and that makes things even worse. My in-laws are weird people to say the least. I sometimes think that the whole idea of marriage is as an institution is bankrupt especially in a society such as ours where the woman is supposed to be all compromising.

As frustrated and discontented i am with the whole situation, I also know that somethings never change. i am trying to work on this. I am trying to make myself better off. I am working on being less anxious, more patient about things. I think the change has to come in me if i have to better my life. I believe that you live your life between your ears, more than anything else. How you see the world, and how you filter and respond to the events determine the success and happiness of your life. I need to be more steady in my emotions. I need to avoid being either too happy or too sad. It's a difficult balance to find but i need to find it. This was one of the new year resolutions and i tend to stick to it.

Whenever i write about personal matters, i try not to edit anything. I just post whatever comes in my mind. It is a reflection of my mind, uncensored. Therefore, i apologize if some of the stuff i write sounds incoherent.

New Year Resolutions

2009 is upon us and i guess each and everyone of us is looking forward to the new year. With the New Year comes New Year resolutions. i was never a stickler for them but this time around i feel like coming up with a few of them. I think i can put this new found zest for planning and determination to this blogging habit of mine. Writing has helped me clear my mind and organize my thoughts. On some level i have come to better understand myself. Needless to say that, blogging will be part of the New Year resolutions. So here are the resolutions:

• Need to improve emotional health. I need to be more steady; neither too sad nor too happy. How i go about it is going to be difficult but crucial for a better year. I will write more about this later.
• Improve fitness by walking daily. I am not fat, but i have put on. I need to maintain my good figure for obvious reasons.
• Keep on writing on this blog. It has been a positive contribution in my life.

So here are the three New Year resolutions. I wanted to keep them simple and achievable. I don't know how i will fare with them but you guys can always hold me up to my words at the end of the year. And i would love to hear back if any of you guys want to share your New Year resolutions.

Happy New Year!!!

Wishing everyone a Happy, Safe and Prosperous 2009!!